What does HONESTY buy you....

I tell you...not a God damn thing. The only thing it may buy you is a good conscious...and even then, you're still fucked because you're wondering well had I not done XYZ I wouldn't be in this position. Had I said A instead of B the out come would have been different...but that nagging voice in your head says no...you should say A..it's the "right" thing to do. Fuck the right thing sometimes...

Nobody at work does the "right" thing...
Nobody at home does the "right" thing...

Nice guys will always finish last...and so I can approach this in 1 of 2 ways. I can 1) accept that nice guys finish last and deal with my life in that manner. or 2)...I can start not being honest and get what I want, and deal with my conscious on my own time behind the scenes.

This rant is about my Cougar...yes, short lived, and just earlier posted about (although the events happened in the past). She marks the 3rd woman that me being "honest" has ruined my possibilities of fucking her and being with her. Woman one is purely physical...visually extremely stimulating...sexuality just oozes out of her like an intoxicating perfume and I would love nothing more than to fuck her whenever time would allow it. Woman two I have a deeper connection with...visually appetizing, but mentally also very stimulating. Very unique and different from my train of thought...and this has me hooked as well. My honesty...has halted this to a grinding stop. And last but least, the latest...my cougar...who I quickly had a scary connection with on every level...and the result the same. LESSON LEARNED: Keep my fucking mouth shut and do what needs to be done. Who gets punished for being honest...only me, and I'm tired of being the donkey in the corner of the room...had enough of that growing up in HS and college. Women are NOT conquests...but when the feeling is mutual between two people and the only reason something doesn't transpire is because of a technicality...that I BRING UP...then it's nobodies fault but my own that I'm left with my dick in my hand alone.

Is anyone at work honest? Hell is anyone alive...truly honest to their core...or does everyone masquerade around with these fake persona's making their moves like a chess game to move up in the world. We inherently want to trust fellow human beings...but can we, truly? Isn't their always some angle...some game, some leverage, some goal that is trying to be obtained.

I've known woman #2 for 3.5 years now...and she is the closest person (female) that truly knows me for me. How will my therapist get to that level of trust and know me after only 3 weeks...it's going to be a long journey. It isn't easy opining up to her...but that's part of the reason why I chose her.

I'm mad at her (cougar)....
I'm mad at them...
I'm mad at myself...

Guess I should get back to this bullshit job that nobody cares about.