Day 2 of the cutting diet. Officially weighed in tipping the scales at 204.4lbs. The last time I made an honest effort to get on stage I cut down to 185lbs even. Not in a good mood...and it's only the beginning...first two weeks are the worst.
My sub came over last night. What a freaking shit show. I knew better than to see her in person as she is a stage 5 clinger (Wedding Crashers quote), and was just totally awkward. She's an awkward girl to begin with, very nervous, doesn't make eye contact well, and has some other issues I think going on as well. The evening was "ok", as I finished some more prep cooking for the week and got the kitchen back in order as I like. The night ended...extremely awkward, as she climbed on my lap and sat facing me while straddling me...and there...in this 45 seconds of awkward staring back and forth..I had to drop the hammer on her. I have zero interest in kissing this girl, let alone sleeping with her...she serves my need to dominate, and I've tried to be crystal clear about this numerous times. Not my fault if she can't put her feelings in check...anyway, the conversation needed to happen...it did...ended in waterworks...and this morning my phone has been blowing up with "I don't understand" and "but, how come", and so on and so forth. Thank God she's leaving today...won't make that mistake again...I'll just be "busy" next time.
Tools at work have been shotty at best. It's hard for me to do my job when the software I'm trying to use is garbage. Then again...I'm not sure why I'm even trying to make a difference. It's thrown in my face repeatedly throughout a week that my opinions/views/perspective are irrelevant to how things will be run here at work. I overheard a conversation this morning where I learned I will be taking on even more work and responsibilities (along with one other guy), so that the asshole who was promoted can focus on a single task. I'm juggling about 8 things at the moment, and this asshole will only be responsible for a single thing. Make sense to me. I need a new fucking job.
Bowling this year has been going well...except that the family is falling apart. Pops is going to need knee surgery again it looks, he's limping along with Aleve and duct tape. I'm nursing a shoulder / elbow / wrist issue it seems from week to week. My Lil brother seems to having some issues with his hand. He has lost all strength to grip, let alone hold most anything in it, yet to stubborn to go to the doctor. Looks like this season is a wrap haha...nowhere to go but downhill for the rest of the time.
A coworker of mine shares a passion for cars like I do. He also drives a VW, and for the better part of a year we have had discussions on how we would like to do xyz to our cars. He disapproved of all of my ideas for his car. Yesterday, we walk out for the day and tells me to come check out his ride. Hmmm...about 4k worth of work done to it, and 99% of it exactly as I said he should do. I'm happy, pissed, jealous, envious, you name it. I'm to broke right now to do anything like that to my car. I'm also trying to be "responsible" as I'm not sure if I will have a job come end of this govt fiscal year, as our contract is up for re-compete. He's on a different contract, so he's solid for a few years, and also came into a windfall of money with the passing of his father. I know he wasn't intentionally trying to rub it in my face...but it burns the same nonetheless. It's been years since I've worked on a car...a passion that I've loved, and have had nothing but arguments and fights with my family and former girlfriends. Why is it so hard for others to accept your hobbies and passions??
Gf is sick as a dawg. Called me this morning that she wasn't going to work and is going to go to patient first. Gave her her meds and she's at home resting. However, she wants to come down to my house. Says there is less going on there and she feels more comfortable. Must be nice...and what am I to do? Can't tell her to stay the fuck home...it's new years, and to be honest, I wouldn't want to be in that house sick either...let alone when I'm healthy. I'm not trying to get sick either! Guess I'll be sleeping on the couch and I'll wash the sheets tomorrow.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
2014 Resolutions
Every year people write these resolutions. I don't agree with them to be honest, but I guess I'll join the herd and do the same (a few days early). "Intense Blue Eyed Lady" suggests that I write things down to help them manifest in my life, to focus on them and perhaps they will come true. I also have fortunes from fortune cookies taped around my monitors at work that I read daily..hasn't worked for me yet either! haha. Good times.
Finding "Happy"
-----------------
I'm looking forward to working on finding my happy. Figuring out what I need to do to reach that balance of work/personal life, without having to compromise on myself. I'd like to get to back to finding "me" again and focusing on the things that I used to do before that were important to me. Simple things such as cleaning/detailing my car. To be honest, I can't remember when the last time was that I cleaned my car...that just seems unreal to me. I take pride in my vehicle and feel as though it's a reflection upon me.
Physique Competition or "beach worthy"
----------------------------------------
I've spent the better part of 3 years actively lifting weights. It started off as a way to deal with my emotions and stress. I did it by myself. I then stumbled across a trainer who I get along with great, same kind of humor, and who has pushed me to reach limits I didn't even think were possible. I've been training with him for little over a year and have shattered the goals that I had set myself while training alone. He's motivated me to start training others, which I currently do, and is pushing for me to get on stage and compete. I made a good run last year, but came short when I decided to pull out with a bunch of personal things going on in my life and couldn't focus on my diet/training properly. I would like to make another run at it this time, and even if I don't make it to the stage, would like to have a physique that I'M proud with, not what others are proud of. Today starts my transitioning into eating a clean diet again...wish me luck!
Learning to accept things I don't have control over
--------------------------------------------------
This seems to be a universal thing that I need to learn. I think I would be less angry/stressed if I could simple accept that some things are just the way they are, EVEN when they are wrong. If it's not within my power to make a difference, to just let it go and move on. My personal struggles with this have become more prevalent in my adult career than when I was in HS or working retail jobs. Learning how to cope with these things may also help me to deal with my mother better. I plan to read "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman this year as well.
Letting Go
-----------
Letting the past be the past. This one isn't going to be easy either. Forgiving others for things that have happened and letting it go. Forgiving events in passed relationships and not bringing them forward to others. Forgiving myself for past mistakes and actions. My family. My "friends". Hopefully through therapy and processing through things I can start this year on a "cleaner" slate, and just focus on where it is that I want to go.
Letting Go Of Fear
-------------------
I hate spiders, but this isn't that kinda fear. Well I'm not a fan of any kind of bugs to be honest lol. I fear being a disappointment. I fear being a failure. I fear change. These three in their various forms control a lot of my decisions in life. I think most everyone feels this way, but for me the weigh heavy.
One things at a time....RIGHT.....
Finding "Happy"
-----------------
I'm looking forward to working on finding my happy. Figuring out what I need to do to reach that balance of work/personal life, without having to compromise on myself. I'd like to get to back to finding "me" again and focusing on the things that I used to do before that were important to me. Simple things such as cleaning/detailing my car. To be honest, I can't remember when the last time was that I cleaned my car...that just seems unreal to me. I take pride in my vehicle and feel as though it's a reflection upon me.
Physique Competition or "beach worthy"
----------------------------------------
I've spent the better part of 3 years actively lifting weights. It started off as a way to deal with my emotions and stress. I did it by myself. I then stumbled across a trainer who I get along with great, same kind of humor, and who has pushed me to reach limits I didn't even think were possible. I've been training with him for little over a year and have shattered the goals that I had set myself while training alone. He's motivated me to start training others, which I currently do, and is pushing for me to get on stage and compete. I made a good run last year, but came short when I decided to pull out with a bunch of personal things going on in my life and couldn't focus on my diet/training properly. I would like to make another run at it this time, and even if I don't make it to the stage, would like to have a physique that I'M proud with, not what others are proud of. Today starts my transitioning into eating a clean diet again...wish me luck!
Learning to accept things I don't have control over
--------------------------------------------------
This seems to be a universal thing that I need to learn. I think I would be less angry/stressed if I could simple accept that some things are just the way they are, EVEN when they are wrong. If it's not within my power to make a difference, to just let it go and move on. My personal struggles with this have become more prevalent in my adult career than when I was in HS or working retail jobs. Learning how to cope with these things may also help me to deal with my mother better. I plan to read "Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman this year as well.
Letting Go
-----------
Letting the past be the past. This one isn't going to be easy either. Forgiving others for things that have happened and letting it go. Forgiving events in passed relationships and not bringing them forward to others. Forgiving myself for past mistakes and actions. My family. My "friends". Hopefully through therapy and processing through things I can start this year on a "cleaner" slate, and just focus on where it is that I want to go.
Letting Go Of Fear
-------------------
I hate spiders, but this isn't that kinda fear. Well I'm not a fan of any kind of bugs to be honest lol. I fear being a disappointment. I fear being a failure. I fear change. These three in their various forms control a lot of my decisions in life. I think most everyone feels this way, but for me the weigh heavy.
One things at a time....RIGHT.....
New Years Weekend
Friday - 12.27.13
------------------
Work was a typical day. Nothing to memorable to share. Therapy was another talk session on how I'm doing and what things I need to do to help improve my situation. I came into therapy on edge due to a bitch of a neighbor, but that anger didn't last long. Shared my reasons for picking my therapist. Sounds like a simple task...but was actually more difficult that one might image. Considering she already knows a decent amount about me, my issues, etc...it is what it is. I called out exactly how my evening was going to play out, and it did...down to the last letter. Grilled her on the hot/cold situation that she has been putting me through, and explained that my guard is now up. My therapist didn't seem to enthused about this...but hey, you win some you lose some. Suckah!!!
Saturday - 12.28.13
--------------------
Girlfriend surprised me this morning and offered to release some of my backed up pressure, orally. Kudos for her. Went to the gym, trained a client, and went rode along to get her workout in as well. Utilized some gift certificates and drove up to Short Pump for lunch. Relaxing evening, no stress, no drama, just chill. It was definitely welcomed.
Sunday - 12.29.13
-------------------
Slept in. Lunch with the gf's parents and brother/gf combo at Texas De'Brazil. Reservation is at 1, meeting them at their house at 12 to leave at 1210 to get there on time. Anyone who knows me knows that punctuality is key, hell I even wrote something on it a little while ago. We didn't leave until 1230. Got into an argument w/ the girlfriend as we were doing 5mph out of the drive way and down the street because she was waiting on them to catch up since they don't know how to get there. First off...they had an hour longer to get ready, considering we had a 40 min drive to get to their house by 12. Second, they live in fucking Richmond, if you need directions to get to Short Pump that's your problem, not mine. Anyway....took a few deep breathes and told her she can be thankful that she is driving because I would have left already and told them they can meet me there. Lunch was great, good food, didn't really join in any convo as I had nothing to say to these people. Tab was about $230, and barely got a thank out of the 4 people at the table that we just treated to lunch. Oh well. Rest of the evening was spent in a food coma, nothing exciting or upsetting to discuss.
------------------
Work was a typical day. Nothing to memorable to share. Therapy was another talk session on how I'm doing and what things I need to do to help improve my situation. I came into therapy on edge due to a bitch of a neighbor, but that anger didn't last long. Shared my reasons for picking my therapist. Sounds like a simple task...but was actually more difficult that one might image. Considering she already knows a decent amount about me, my issues, etc...it is what it is. I called out exactly how my evening was going to play out, and it did...down to the last letter. Grilled her on the hot/cold situation that she has been putting me through, and explained that my guard is now up. My therapist didn't seem to enthused about this...but hey, you win some you lose some. Suckah!!!
Saturday - 12.28.13
--------------------
Girlfriend surprised me this morning and offered to release some of my backed up pressure, orally. Kudos for her. Went to the gym, trained a client, and went rode along to get her workout in as well. Utilized some gift certificates and drove up to Short Pump for lunch. Relaxing evening, no stress, no drama, just chill. It was definitely welcomed.
Sunday - 12.29.13
-------------------
Slept in. Lunch with the gf's parents and brother/gf combo at Texas De'Brazil. Reservation is at 1, meeting them at their house at 12 to leave at 1210 to get there on time. Anyone who knows me knows that punctuality is key, hell I even wrote something on it a little while ago. We didn't leave until 1230. Got into an argument w/ the girlfriend as we were doing 5mph out of the drive way and down the street because she was waiting on them to catch up since they don't know how to get there. First off...they had an hour longer to get ready, considering we had a 40 min drive to get to their house by 12. Second, they live in fucking Richmond, if you need directions to get to Short Pump that's your problem, not mine. Anyway....took a few deep breathes and told her she can be thankful that she is driving because I would have left already and told them they can meet me there. Lunch was great, good food, didn't really join in any convo as I had nothing to say to these people. Tab was about $230, and barely got a thank out of the 4 people at the table that we just treated to lunch. Oh well. Rest of the evening was spent in a food coma, nothing exciting or upsetting to discuss.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Pet Peeves...
Sexual Appetite: 10
Emotions: Fucking irritated
Everyone has them. I just feel that some people don't react the same way as I do when they happen. I don't always verbally lash out, but I internalize how I feel about the situation.
Recycling. Is it really that fucking hard of a concept. You have a blue can for your recyclables, and a regular trash can for your trash. Sorry that the cleaning crew isn't responsible for picking up your blue can and dumping it into the larger recycling container. Heaven forbid you stand your lazy ass up and dump it when it's fool. Even better are the idiots who will throw a soda bottle into the trash even the recycle bin is sitting right next to it. My favorite excuse I hear from these assholes is that "It's not my job, it's not my problem." That kind of mentality is why so many people hate this country.
Double Standards...I could write a book on the stupid shit in my life that falls under this category.
Punctuality. I think I hit on this in a past post...but there is no excuse for being late unless it's a serious emergency. There are entirely to many forms of communication for this to happen.
Retarded Drivers. I don't know what it is, but it seems that no matter what, every time I set foot in my car to go somewhere I'm going to run into someone that pisses me off how they drive. I don't go looking for them, but I swear I'm a magnet to these assholes. Either that or I'm hypersensitive to bad driving and notice all of them on the road. Stopping at yield signs, not understanding how a fucking traffic circle works, or who has the right of way at a 4 way stop sign intersection. Prime example, driving home from my girl's house on Christmas day to my house. The lanes merge off the highway, and it's a two lanes that merge off onto the over pass. This person is beside me, slightly ahead, signals they want to come over...and realize I'm close to their rear bumper. They swerve back into their lane (which mind you...goes to the EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE), speed up, signal again and merge over in front of me. Here is where it gets good. They slam on the brakes. I'm going from 70 mph cruise control minding my own business to 45 mph and swerving into the other lane to prevent rear ending them. I lost my mind. Windows down, losing my shit on these folks for a good 2 minutes, at which point now we're doing 30mph as they are trying to avoid me. There was no need for them to come over, we're the only 2 cars on the damn road, and yet shockingly, I can still find the asshole on the road that's going to push my buttons.
Inconsistency. I can't stand people who change their stance every other day on a topic. The latest frustration is my fucking cougar. This entire situation is causing me entirely to much stress, anxiety, and frustration. For what? A piece of ass?? Jesus. In the last 8 days she has changed her mind 3 times on whether or not to be just friends, friends with benefits, or she wants something serious. The problem is...as I explained before...I explained how I felt...after which we were good for 24 hours until she started showing signs of cold feet again. I feel burned, betrayed, lied too...and this point...do NOT trust her. She is a prime example to me now as to why I don't trust fucking females. Damned if you do...damned if you don't. Yeah...I know, honesty is always the "right" choice...and just because the outcome isn't what I wanted, doesn't mean it's not the "right" outcome; however it doesn't change how I feel. It hurts, it's upsetting, and I guess tonight I will find out again, yet again...where she stands. Chances are when she sees me...if history repeats itself...she will be very handsy and will want to play. My goal is to get these blue balls drained at least since my girl has yet to fucking take care of it after her throwing in the towel on me 3 days ago. Inconsistency is a plague through out my life though, this is just a recent example of what has gotten under my skin.
People who don't answer when you great them. I swear...I could go ape shit on people who you know heard you, their looking right at you...yet don't open their fucking mouth and acknowledge you. I can't even ignore people I fucking hate if they say hello...seriously!?!?
People who don't say Thank You. Why yes...I love standing here holding the door for you while your obese, pigeon toed, busted ass walks in the door.
Poor Planning. My gf did this to me just the other day. She's shopping with her brother & girlfriend...I'm working. No issues. We text throughout the day. No issues. I get home, get changed to go to the gym and train a client of mine. Ring Ring. Hey, we're going out to lunch (one of my fav restaurants, wanted to know if you wanted to go). Seriously?? You wait till 5 min before you go eat to let me know. I gracefully declined and hung up the phone...and used that energy in the gym. One hell of a work out. But honestly, you didn't know around 12, 1, 2, 3 that you wanted to go eat..you wait till 20 min before I'm leaving the house to train someone...makes sense to me.
Yay for Friday. Therapy should be fucking interesting today.
Emotions: Fucking irritated
Everyone has them. I just feel that some people don't react the same way as I do when they happen. I don't always verbally lash out, but I internalize how I feel about the situation.
Recycling. Is it really that fucking hard of a concept. You have a blue can for your recyclables, and a regular trash can for your trash. Sorry that the cleaning crew isn't responsible for picking up your blue can and dumping it into the larger recycling container. Heaven forbid you stand your lazy ass up and dump it when it's fool. Even better are the idiots who will throw a soda bottle into the trash even the recycle bin is sitting right next to it. My favorite excuse I hear from these assholes is that "It's not my job, it's not my problem." That kind of mentality is why so many people hate this country.
Double Standards...I could write a book on the stupid shit in my life that falls under this category.
Punctuality. I think I hit on this in a past post...but there is no excuse for being late unless it's a serious emergency. There are entirely to many forms of communication for this to happen.
Retarded Drivers. I don't know what it is, but it seems that no matter what, every time I set foot in my car to go somewhere I'm going to run into someone that pisses me off how they drive. I don't go looking for them, but I swear I'm a magnet to these assholes. Either that or I'm hypersensitive to bad driving and notice all of them on the road. Stopping at yield signs, not understanding how a fucking traffic circle works, or who has the right of way at a 4 way stop sign intersection. Prime example, driving home from my girl's house on Christmas day to my house. The lanes merge off the highway, and it's a two lanes that merge off onto the over pass. This person is beside me, slightly ahead, signals they want to come over...and realize I'm close to their rear bumper. They swerve back into their lane (which mind you...goes to the EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE), speed up, signal again and merge over in front of me. Here is where it gets good. They slam on the brakes. I'm going from 70 mph cruise control minding my own business to 45 mph and swerving into the other lane to prevent rear ending them. I lost my mind. Windows down, losing my shit on these folks for a good 2 minutes, at which point now we're doing 30mph as they are trying to avoid me. There was no need for them to come over, we're the only 2 cars on the damn road, and yet shockingly, I can still find the asshole on the road that's going to push my buttons.
Inconsistency. I can't stand people who change their stance every other day on a topic. The latest frustration is my fucking cougar. This entire situation is causing me entirely to much stress, anxiety, and frustration. For what? A piece of ass?? Jesus. In the last 8 days she has changed her mind 3 times on whether or not to be just friends, friends with benefits, or she wants something serious. The problem is...as I explained before...I explained how I felt...after which we were good for 24 hours until she started showing signs of cold feet again. I feel burned, betrayed, lied too...and this point...do NOT trust her. She is a prime example to me now as to why I don't trust fucking females. Damned if you do...damned if you don't. Yeah...I know, honesty is always the "right" choice...and just because the outcome isn't what I wanted, doesn't mean it's not the "right" outcome; however it doesn't change how I feel. It hurts, it's upsetting, and I guess tonight I will find out again, yet again...where she stands. Chances are when she sees me...if history repeats itself...she will be very handsy and will want to play. My goal is to get these blue balls drained at least since my girl has yet to fucking take care of it after her throwing in the towel on me 3 days ago. Inconsistency is a plague through out my life though, this is just a recent example of what has gotten under my skin.
People who don't answer when you great them. I swear...I could go ape shit on people who you know heard you, their looking right at you...yet don't open their fucking mouth and acknowledge you. I can't even ignore people I fucking hate if they say hello...seriously!?!?
People who don't say Thank You. Why yes...I love standing here holding the door for you while your obese, pigeon toed, busted ass walks in the door.
Poor Planning. My gf did this to me just the other day. She's shopping with her brother & girlfriend...I'm working. No issues. We text throughout the day. No issues. I get home, get changed to go to the gym and train a client of mine. Ring Ring. Hey, we're going out to lunch (one of my fav restaurants, wanted to know if you wanted to go). Seriously?? You wait till 5 min before you go eat to let me know. I gracefully declined and hung up the phone...and used that energy in the gym. One hell of a work out. But honestly, you didn't know around 12, 1, 2, 3 that you wanted to go eat..you wait till 20 min before I'm leaving the house to train someone...makes sense to me.
Yay for Friday. Therapy should be fucking interesting today.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Black Book
This list isn't all exclusive, but I think will encompass enough about my past to explain perhaps why I see things the way I do. I will try to keep them in order, but that's not a guarantee either...time to take a trip down memory lane...
Relationships
--------------
J. - I was 15, just moved to the states, thought we had something...until she told me she was so happy that I was Hispanic because she hated black people. For those that don't know me...I'm mixed...Black/White..so you already know the outcome.
J.K. - Popular girl in HS. Loved to get nasty and talk trash over the internet, but never acknowledged my presence in person in school. I was her dirty online secret.
K.B. - Eating disorder girl...was head over heels for her. Felt like a good match, brainy, very smart, quirky, tall and slender. She decided to start dating someone online long distance instead of dating me.
M.M - First true relationship. 5 years on off. Passionate, sexual, zero in common other than bedroom activities, and toward the end was nothing but one fight after another. Zero trust, cheated on me 3 times that I know of, once with my best friend. Currently married and across the world with some guy.
A.S - 18 month relationship. No sex at all. Mentally really fucked with me, and was a definite addition to my insecurities sexually. Naturally beautiful. Great lips, great eyes, short, well rounded attributes. Married, two kids now, we're now friends, have lunch from time to time.
J. L. - Just shy of two years, tall, brunette, green eyes, attractive, insecurities, put my life on hold for and thought with my heart, not my brain. Didn't work out, 6-8 months later after break up she got married. No contact. Still have 200+ erotic photos of her.
H - E's sister, stuck up, pretty, bbw kinda girl, high maintenance. Rude, demanding...purposely denied sex with her although we did other things. Refused to sleep with her b/c I wanted to sleep with E. (Still do). She's now married, sugar daddy...how fitting.
V.T. - Tight body, young, sexy, very sexual, boring in bed. Hard to have conversation with, and sex was boring. Ended after little over a year...she broke up with me, never saw it coming. Caused issues within the family, used to "like" my bro. Minimal contact.
A.R. - Current relationship.
Friends w/ Benefits
-------------------
K.B. - Sexual experimenting, was a neighbor at the time. Couldn't stand talking to her, great body, dumb as a box of rocks. No clue what she's doing.
S - M.M's one of her best friends. Very sexual, amazing oral, talented riding skills. Best I've experienced reverse cow girl. Married, two kids. Only happened a few times...she wanted to hurt M'Ms feelings and I could care less about her so I went along with it.
Lil B - Fling, never had sex...just felt like i was supposed to be there for her during that time. She has let herself go, married to a douche, no kids. Also a friend of M.M's
J. - Fling. Tiny, 4'11", was "ok" looking, now has really let herself go. Amazed how well she could take it...one of the only girls that never tossed up the white flag of mercy. Great lower body...legs, ass, thighs. Married to some douche...after we stopped being friends with benefits.
J. - Former coworker at a previous job. No attractive at all, means to an end. married, two kids.
S.J. - Submissive, long distance, some play in person from time to time. Unstable, unreliable, keep distance intentionally.
I feel there are a few others in this category...but they don't stick out for one reason or another. There are a handful of people online that I exchange videos with, and such, but it's fairly impersonal. I don't use my real name, and it's a means to an end.
Platonic w/ some sexual (sometimes)
-------------------------------------
J.V - Known her for 6+ years, never met in person yet. Online friend through a mutual interest. Married, two kids, douche husband. Chat/text regularly, feel like i've known her all my life. Exchange pics, video play, emails, etc.
J.S - known for 3 years, strong connection, strong personality, we get along well. Married, two kids, douche husband.
E - Known for 4 years. Has been mentioned in a few posts, sister to H, strong sexual chemistry, had some fun but nothing major. Short, strong, tats, piercings, wild...and free. Not married, two kids
S.M. - Known for 2.5 years, works at my gym, working to be a model. Strong sexual tension chemistry, some play, nothing major. Pics, vids, text, tats, piercings. Dating, one kid.
A.T. - Known for 4-5 years. Best oral I've ever experienced. Doesn't throw up the white flag either. Husband likes to have video footage of her endeavors. Married, two kids.
B.V - Cougar, strong sexual chemistry, some play, nothing to serious. text. Married, two kids, douche husband.
Reflection
-----------
As mentioned, this isn't an exhaustive list, but a fairly good shot at writing out the black book. It's nerve wrecking to have this on paper, but perhaps will help in the long run. Common trends are all of these woman typically have issues. Eating disorders, cutters, pill poppers, low self-esteem, jacked up home life / family life. My platonic friendships tend to be with woman who are married, and ironically have two kids. Odd, then maybe not. What's if my twisted subconscious it's me trying to obtain what I want down the road...married w/ two kids...NOT douche husband. I don't go seeking this, it just manifests and falls into place.
Most of the girls I have dated have in turn gotten married after getting out of the relationship with me. Reminds me of Good Luck Chuck.
Seems there is more that has gone on in my life than I thought.
Relationships
--------------
J. - I was 15, just moved to the states, thought we had something...until she told me she was so happy that I was Hispanic because she hated black people. For those that don't know me...I'm mixed...Black/White..so you already know the outcome.
J.K. - Popular girl in HS. Loved to get nasty and talk trash over the internet, but never acknowledged my presence in person in school. I was her dirty online secret.
K.B. - Eating disorder girl...was head over heels for her. Felt like a good match, brainy, very smart, quirky, tall and slender. She decided to start dating someone online long distance instead of dating me.
M.M - First true relationship. 5 years on off. Passionate, sexual, zero in common other than bedroom activities, and toward the end was nothing but one fight after another. Zero trust, cheated on me 3 times that I know of, once with my best friend. Currently married and across the world with some guy.
A.S - 18 month relationship. No sex at all. Mentally really fucked with me, and was a definite addition to my insecurities sexually. Naturally beautiful. Great lips, great eyes, short, well rounded attributes. Married, two kids now, we're now friends, have lunch from time to time.
J. L. - Just shy of two years, tall, brunette, green eyes, attractive, insecurities, put my life on hold for and thought with my heart, not my brain. Didn't work out, 6-8 months later after break up she got married. No contact. Still have 200+ erotic photos of her.
H - E's sister, stuck up, pretty, bbw kinda girl, high maintenance. Rude, demanding...purposely denied sex with her although we did other things. Refused to sleep with her b/c I wanted to sleep with E. (Still do). She's now married, sugar daddy...how fitting.
V.T. - Tight body, young, sexy, very sexual, boring in bed. Hard to have conversation with, and sex was boring. Ended after little over a year...she broke up with me, never saw it coming. Caused issues within the family, used to "like" my bro. Minimal contact.
A.R. - Current relationship.
Friends w/ Benefits
-------------------
K.B. - Sexual experimenting, was a neighbor at the time. Couldn't stand talking to her, great body, dumb as a box of rocks. No clue what she's doing.
S - M.M's one of her best friends. Very sexual, amazing oral, talented riding skills. Best I've experienced reverse cow girl. Married, two kids. Only happened a few times...she wanted to hurt M'Ms feelings and I could care less about her so I went along with it.
Lil B - Fling, never had sex...just felt like i was supposed to be there for her during that time. She has let herself go, married to a douche, no kids. Also a friend of M.M's
J. - Fling. Tiny, 4'11", was "ok" looking, now has really let herself go. Amazed how well she could take it...one of the only girls that never tossed up the white flag of mercy. Great lower body...legs, ass, thighs. Married to some douche...after we stopped being friends with benefits.
J. - Former coworker at a previous job. No attractive at all, means to an end. married, two kids.
S.J. - Submissive, long distance, some play in person from time to time. Unstable, unreliable, keep distance intentionally.
I feel there are a few others in this category...but they don't stick out for one reason or another. There are a handful of people online that I exchange videos with, and such, but it's fairly impersonal. I don't use my real name, and it's a means to an end.
Platonic w/ some sexual (sometimes)
-------------------------------------
J.V - Known her for 6+ years, never met in person yet. Online friend through a mutual interest. Married, two kids, douche husband. Chat/text regularly, feel like i've known her all my life. Exchange pics, video play, emails, etc.
J.S - known for 3 years, strong connection, strong personality, we get along well. Married, two kids, douche husband.
E - Known for 4 years. Has been mentioned in a few posts, sister to H, strong sexual chemistry, had some fun but nothing major. Short, strong, tats, piercings, wild...and free. Not married, two kids
S.M. - Known for 2.5 years, works at my gym, working to be a model. Strong sexual tension chemistry, some play, nothing major. Pics, vids, text, tats, piercings. Dating, one kid.
A.T. - Known for 4-5 years. Best oral I've ever experienced. Doesn't throw up the white flag either. Husband likes to have video footage of her endeavors. Married, two kids.
B.V - Cougar, strong sexual chemistry, some play, nothing to serious. text. Married, two kids, douche husband.
Reflection
-----------
As mentioned, this isn't an exhaustive list, but a fairly good shot at writing out the black book. It's nerve wrecking to have this on paper, but perhaps will help in the long run. Common trends are all of these woman typically have issues. Eating disorders, cutters, pill poppers, low self-esteem, jacked up home life / family life. My platonic friendships tend to be with woman who are married, and ironically have two kids. Odd, then maybe not. What's if my twisted subconscious it's me trying to obtain what I want down the road...married w/ two kids...NOT douche husband. I don't go seeking this, it just manifests and falls into place.
Most of the girls I have dated have in turn gotten married after getting out of the relationship with me. Reminds me of Good Luck Chuck.
Seems there is more that has gone on in my life than I thought.
Christmas
Sexual Appetite: 10
Emotions: Frustrated, Rushed, Anxiety, Just ready for to get through the day
This will be a lengthy post as it was a long day. I will try to keep the memory cohesive...but there are no guarantees.
We're supposed to go to her parents house for breakfast this morning and do the gift exchanges. I've managed to get out of the extended family get together that afternoon and am spending the afternoon with my family. Eta at her parents house is 9am. We get up around 730, she jumps in the shower...I start mass texting "friends" with the blanket, unpersonalized, Merry Christmas text. Why? I don't know...seems like the "right" thing to do. I text the same to my cougar, with an addition of "I fucking miss you." From 815 to 9am I text her driving to Richmond. She explains how she is sorry, still isn't "sure", missed me as well and wants to try to make things work. Two things....1) Great...I'm still going to possibly wear that ass out, 2) I no longer trust her...I can feel I've put up a wall, and it won't be the same anymore. I don't do hot/cold, hot/cold...fuck that.
My girl's parents house (same place she stays when she isn't at my house), is...just not a place I feel comfortable in. Dirty, old, nasty, nothing matches, smells worse than an SPCA, and without sounding arrogant, I just don't know how people can stand to fucking live like that. Mom's wearing busted up work out pants, and a tshirt that's to small so her back fat and gut hang out the back and front. Dad's typical Harley Davidson dude...pony tail and full Santa beard, and might say 5 words the duration of my visit. Brother is a know it all, has a one up story to everything...but we have some common interests where we can at least hold a conversation. His girlfriend from Germany looks like a fish out of water, and if her mother is anything like mine, she is as extremely uncomfortable as I am to be in this house. Breakfast is awkward. Random conversation, food sucked (it's free so I can't complain). No two chairs match, nor do 2 glasses...I think they had 6 plates that all matched, an annoying dog running underneath the table begging for scraps, and 3 cats doing as they please. Exchange of gifts goes smoothly I guess. I excuse myself and get ready to head home.
I'm not sure why I can't drive anywhere without running into some fuck stick on the road. It's Christmas...I'm minding my business driving miss daisy in the right lane and still someone can find a way to ignite my short fuse. Road rage...another topic that will need to be addressed in the future I assume. Fucking idiots I swear.
I grab the left over pies from my house and head to my parents. I walk in and can feel the tension in the air. Apparently my brother and mom (surprise surprise) went at it, and are still going at it. Source of the argument turns out that there was a box in the garage that my mother was planning on using to send something to Germany. It had been sitting there for a month and my brother used it to wrap a Christmas gift. End of the world, I know...but it my family...it doesn't take much. Someone the topic of my girl was brought up, and my frustrations boiled over and I shared my thoughts on some of the situations. Mom gave her .02, but quickly clammed up and played the..."Nothing I say is right, I can't say anything...I'm a horrible mother" to which I shredded her on. So sick of hearing that shit. I was lectured on how I view relationships as a business relationship, and I have no feelings an emotions, and i will be alone if I keep doing this. I explained my side of the coin, to which nobody understood. I'm used to that. My brother laughs and says I told a bitch to fuck off because I didn't like her hair cut.... I just chuckled. His current goal is to fuck the daughter of my cougar who's pregnant with another mans baby...bucket list item for him he says. The deeper source of my mother's frustration is the new neighbor next door (older post below), and her father my grandpa didn't send a care package or call for Christmas.
Only my father knows I'm going to Therapy...nobody else in my family knows.
Typically for Thanksgiving and Christmas we go to the movies as a family. Mom being crabby abby, decided she wasn't going to go, which spawned into another argument. She asked what my girl and her family were doing...I explained they were doing their traditional stuff of making something via arts and crafts and taking a family photo. She said..."that sounds so nice, our tradition is to fight every Holiday about something different...You know why...because we're dysfunctional, and glares at me." The dysfunctional comment was a stab at me intentionally. A few years back I had a melt down where I stood upfront of the family and called everyone out on the carpet...including my father...which was difficult. After 20 minutes of shouting, she retreated upstairs in her bedroom crying, the rest of us left to go see a movie. Merry Christmas.
Leaving the movie my gf texts me asking what's the earlist time I can make it to Richmond to go to Texas De'Brazil for dinner on Friday with her family and brother/girlfriend. Here's the back story on that. My girl and I both bought $100 gift cards as gifts. We would go out to dinner and I would pick up the remaining tab. Great food, just stupid expensive. So...back to this Friday. Frustratedly I tried to explain all of this as calmly as I could. I have to work. I need to train myself and I have a client to train. I have therapy that day. and it's my 1 of 2 fridays a month where I get together with the boys to play video games. WTF do you have to schedule something on a day that you know I game with my friends. It's two days a month...and it seems to be a growing trend that things "happen" to fall on that day. I get requests to "move" them to another night. Fuck that. I explained my case...just to get a sarcastic response back and now we're going Sunday for lunch. WTF ever.
I'm in bed by 815, trying to shut off my brain and get some sleep. She rolls in around 9 or so and crawls into bed and goes to sleep. Thinking back on it now I should have beat off before she got home so I wouldn't be so agitated this morning. Oh well.
Gaining weight again...Monday starts the transition. Looking forward to seeing my body change again...and perhaps, surpass my last transition goal I did last summer. Goal weight of 180lbs, and 7-8% body fat or lower.
Emotions: Frustrated, Rushed, Anxiety, Just ready for to get through the day
This will be a lengthy post as it was a long day. I will try to keep the memory cohesive...but there are no guarantees.
We're supposed to go to her parents house for breakfast this morning and do the gift exchanges. I've managed to get out of the extended family get together that afternoon and am spending the afternoon with my family. Eta at her parents house is 9am. We get up around 730, she jumps in the shower...I start mass texting "friends" with the blanket, unpersonalized, Merry Christmas text. Why? I don't know...seems like the "right" thing to do. I text the same to my cougar, with an addition of "I fucking miss you." From 815 to 9am I text her driving to Richmond. She explains how she is sorry, still isn't "sure", missed me as well and wants to try to make things work. Two things....1) Great...I'm still going to possibly wear that ass out, 2) I no longer trust her...I can feel I've put up a wall, and it won't be the same anymore. I don't do hot/cold, hot/cold...fuck that.
My girl's parents house (same place she stays when she isn't at my house), is...just not a place I feel comfortable in. Dirty, old, nasty, nothing matches, smells worse than an SPCA, and without sounding arrogant, I just don't know how people can stand to fucking live like that. Mom's wearing busted up work out pants, and a tshirt that's to small so her back fat and gut hang out the back and front. Dad's typical Harley Davidson dude...pony tail and full Santa beard, and might say 5 words the duration of my visit. Brother is a know it all, has a one up story to everything...but we have some common interests where we can at least hold a conversation. His girlfriend from Germany looks like a fish out of water, and if her mother is anything like mine, she is as extremely uncomfortable as I am to be in this house. Breakfast is awkward. Random conversation, food sucked (it's free so I can't complain). No two chairs match, nor do 2 glasses...I think they had 6 plates that all matched, an annoying dog running underneath the table begging for scraps, and 3 cats doing as they please. Exchange of gifts goes smoothly I guess. I excuse myself and get ready to head home.
I'm not sure why I can't drive anywhere without running into some fuck stick on the road. It's Christmas...I'm minding my business driving miss daisy in the right lane and still someone can find a way to ignite my short fuse. Road rage...another topic that will need to be addressed in the future I assume. Fucking idiots I swear.
I grab the left over pies from my house and head to my parents. I walk in and can feel the tension in the air. Apparently my brother and mom (surprise surprise) went at it, and are still going at it. Source of the argument turns out that there was a box in the garage that my mother was planning on using to send something to Germany. It had been sitting there for a month and my brother used it to wrap a Christmas gift. End of the world, I know...but it my family...it doesn't take much. Someone the topic of my girl was brought up, and my frustrations boiled over and I shared my thoughts on some of the situations. Mom gave her .02, but quickly clammed up and played the..."Nothing I say is right, I can't say anything...I'm a horrible mother" to which I shredded her on. So sick of hearing that shit. I was lectured on how I view relationships as a business relationship, and I have no feelings an emotions, and i will be alone if I keep doing this. I explained my side of the coin, to which nobody understood. I'm used to that. My brother laughs and says I told a bitch to fuck off because I didn't like her hair cut.... I just chuckled. His current goal is to fuck the daughter of my cougar who's pregnant with another mans baby...bucket list item for him he says. The deeper source of my mother's frustration is the new neighbor next door (older post below), and her father my grandpa didn't send a care package or call for Christmas.
Only my father knows I'm going to Therapy...nobody else in my family knows.
Typically for Thanksgiving and Christmas we go to the movies as a family. Mom being crabby abby, decided she wasn't going to go, which spawned into another argument. She asked what my girl and her family were doing...I explained they were doing their traditional stuff of making something via arts and crafts and taking a family photo. She said..."that sounds so nice, our tradition is to fight every Holiday about something different...You know why...because we're dysfunctional, and glares at me." The dysfunctional comment was a stab at me intentionally. A few years back I had a melt down where I stood upfront of the family and called everyone out on the carpet...including my father...which was difficult. After 20 minutes of shouting, she retreated upstairs in her bedroom crying, the rest of us left to go see a movie. Merry Christmas.
Leaving the movie my gf texts me asking what's the earlist time I can make it to Richmond to go to Texas De'Brazil for dinner on Friday with her family and brother/girlfriend. Here's the back story on that. My girl and I both bought $100 gift cards as gifts. We would go out to dinner and I would pick up the remaining tab. Great food, just stupid expensive. So...back to this Friday. Frustratedly I tried to explain all of this as calmly as I could. I have to work. I need to train myself and I have a client to train. I have therapy that day. and it's my 1 of 2 fridays a month where I get together with the boys to play video games. WTF do you have to schedule something on a day that you know I game with my friends. It's two days a month...and it seems to be a growing trend that things "happen" to fall on that day. I get requests to "move" them to another night. Fuck that. I explained my case...just to get a sarcastic response back and now we're going Sunday for lunch. WTF ever.
I'm in bed by 815, trying to shut off my brain and get some sleep. She rolls in around 9 or so and crawls into bed and goes to sleep. Thinking back on it now I should have beat off before she got home so I wouldn't be so agitated this morning. Oh well.
Gaining weight again...Monday starts the transition. Looking forward to seeing my body change again...and perhaps, surpass my last transition goal I did last summer. Goal weight of 180lbs, and 7-8% body fat or lower.
Christmas Eve
Sexual Appetite: 7
Emotions: Anxiety, Stress, Frustration, Calm
Work was no different than any other ordinary day. One guy left 4 hours early. Another did a no call / no show and didn't get a phone call from the manager, and to add insult to injury...I stayed longer than I needed to because I was suppose to train a client that afternoon and they also pulled a no call no show. If it's one thing that drives me up a wall is punctuality. There is no excuse for not being able to get in touch with someone letting them know you're either not going to show up at all or if you're running late. I stayed exactly 60 seconds after they were supposed to show up and bounced...fuck them. They don't want to respect my time, I won't respect theirs...
Drive home was fine, no stress no drama...and zoned out to my "Zen Pause" station on Pandora. Life saver...helps me get through most anything it seems nowadays.
My girl surprisingly, was waiting upstairs in something naughty. Who knew she had it in her. She got the reaction she wanted, stripped down in about 2 seconds flat and went to work. No oral, straight to business...no my preferred avenue of things, but hell...beggers can't be choosers. Ran through a few positions until she through up the white flag...sore, tired, hurting...needs a break....sigh...fine, I pull out clean up, and carry my blue balled ass downstairs.
My Nazi of a mother is coming over for dinner, with my dad and little brother. Don't get me wrong...she isn't a Nazi..it's just fitting because she is German, a control freak, and I feel will inspect my house to see if it meets her standards. Past few days I had spent detailing my office, now it was time to finish the downstairs before they came over. My girl is wrapping presents, shit everywhere, and I start with everything else. Litter box, laundry, vacuum upstairs, stairs, and downstairs (after she finishes the presents), dust, sweep/mop the kitchen, light some candles (my stress relief candles go figure), clean the downstairs bathroom, and start cutting up broccoli for dinner...at this point my girl starts cooking the pasta. I shower, come down stairs with 5 in to spare before the family shows up.
Dinner goes smooth. No comments made about my house. I feel calm seeing everything spotless, picked up, and organized. I'm a minimalist...I don't like clutter. We exchange gifts, and manage to make it through a movie without any major fall outs.
We go to bed...I'm hoping I will get blown, and handjob, or some more nookie...but that's wishful thinking. Blue balls for bed. Awesome.
Emotions: Anxiety, Stress, Frustration, Calm
Work was no different than any other ordinary day. One guy left 4 hours early. Another did a no call / no show and didn't get a phone call from the manager, and to add insult to injury...I stayed longer than I needed to because I was suppose to train a client that afternoon and they also pulled a no call no show. If it's one thing that drives me up a wall is punctuality. There is no excuse for not being able to get in touch with someone letting them know you're either not going to show up at all or if you're running late. I stayed exactly 60 seconds after they were supposed to show up and bounced...fuck them. They don't want to respect my time, I won't respect theirs...
Drive home was fine, no stress no drama...and zoned out to my "Zen Pause" station on Pandora. Life saver...helps me get through most anything it seems nowadays.
My girl surprisingly, was waiting upstairs in something naughty. Who knew she had it in her. She got the reaction she wanted, stripped down in about 2 seconds flat and went to work. No oral, straight to business...no my preferred avenue of things, but hell...beggers can't be choosers. Ran through a few positions until she through up the white flag...sore, tired, hurting...needs a break....sigh...fine, I pull out clean up, and carry my blue balled ass downstairs.
My Nazi of a mother is coming over for dinner, with my dad and little brother. Don't get me wrong...she isn't a Nazi..it's just fitting because she is German, a control freak, and I feel will inspect my house to see if it meets her standards. Past few days I had spent detailing my office, now it was time to finish the downstairs before they came over. My girl is wrapping presents, shit everywhere, and I start with everything else. Litter box, laundry, vacuum upstairs, stairs, and downstairs (after she finishes the presents), dust, sweep/mop the kitchen, light some candles (my stress relief candles go figure), clean the downstairs bathroom, and start cutting up broccoli for dinner...at this point my girl starts cooking the pasta. I shower, come down stairs with 5 in to spare before the family shows up.
Dinner goes smooth. No comments made about my house. I feel calm seeing everything spotless, picked up, and organized. I'm a minimalist...I don't like clutter. We exchange gifts, and manage to make it through a movie without any major fall outs.
We go to bed...I'm hoping I will get blown, and handjob, or some more nookie...but that's wishful thinking. Blue balls for bed. Awesome.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Recap - 12.23.13
Sexual Appetite: 9
Emotions: Annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt, reflective (if that's even an emotion)
I've been at work since 6am and have stared at a white blank document for about an hour now. I wouldn't call it writer's block, but perhaps failure to launch. This is the first time, in a long time, that I'm blogging again. I typically try to write from one stream of consciousness...unless it's a glaring typo I don't go back and fix it, don't spend time proof reading, and instead focus on just typing and seeing where my thoughts lead me.
Work was the usual BS excuse for a group of individuals to come to a location and collect a paycheck. Guy behind me is finally quitting (Thank God), he has spent the last 2 years working on his side business behind me and not doing his job. He's been working on a erotic card game dealing with half humans / half animals, in my mind...animal sex cards. Apparently there is a niche for this...who would have guessed. His second venture is a video game....and I could give a fuck less about either. My manager across from me is spending his hours writing Christmas cards, licking envelopes, and writing names. I'm sure the company appreciates his nice gesture...I didn't have the heart to throw the card in the trash in front of him, but I will when I get home, seal unbroken. Guess I'm a hypocrite by typing at this very moment and not working either....how ironic. Moving on...work is it's own entire topic.
My cougar has successfully placed me into the friend bucket. Awesome. With that comes awkward texting, that because minimal surface conversation, and eventually will fade into us not talking anymore. Awesome...cause that's not what I fucking wanted.
Rained all day today. Never helps my mood. Usually when I'm stressed / upset I clean my car...detail it to showroom quality. At times I get so caught up in it that I will take q-tips to clean the vents. I know...how sad...but it's how I turn that side of my brain off and over focus on something else for a while. Instead, I worked on cleaning my office. Santa is suppose to bring me a new desk, and some book shelves to replace my old HS era desk that I don't use aside from paying bills, keeping track of my finances, and porn.
I got 6 hours before I'm expected to be anywhere and train my next client. Surely I can watch one or two clips and continue with my cleaning. Log into my portal, check my friend requests (just 1 spam person today), clear a few messages, write a few messages, and begin my quest to find that "video"...the one that takes me to the edge. I find a few decent ones and let them play int he background as I clean...just listening to the sounds of sex seems relaxing. Sound of a flog gets my attention for a while...I stimulate myself, but deny myself the release and continue working. I eventually manage to get myself some dinner. At this point I'm so wound up from starting/stopping that there is actually some pain, and decide to allow myself a release. I still had about 2 hours at this point, and figured I would try to find someone to watch. Throw out a few messages on my portal, as well as log into an anonymous cam site. I don't show my face, just the goods...split screen between the "random" person and my porn of choice. 75 minutes of edging before a female is on the other end of the cam and whats to watch the eruption. I thank her for her time, shower...and I'm out the door to train in time.
It seems pathetic to me at times that I can get "lost" in the ritual almost. I managed to get things accomplished...office is spotless, 2 trash bags worth of shit thrown out, rearranged some books, vacuumed, etc...but didn't get everything done that I could have. Downstairs still needs work today as the family will come over for dinner tonight. The Nazi inspector (my mother), will undoubtedly comment how this is out of place, how I need to do a better job of this and that...and I can already feel my body tense picturing her face saying these things.
Emotions: Annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt, reflective (if that's even an emotion)
I've been at work since 6am and have stared at a white blank document for about an hour now. I wouldn't call it writer's block, but perhaps failure to launch. This is the first time, in a long time, that I'm blogging again. I typically try to write from one stream of consciousness...unless it's a glaring typo I don't go back and fix it, don't spend time proof reading, and instead focus on just typing and seeing where my thoughts lead me.
Work was the usual BS excuse for a group of individuals to come to a location and collect a paycheck. Guy behind me is finally quitting (Thank God), he has spent the last 2 years working on his side business behind me and not doing his job. He's been working on a erotic card game dealing with half humans / half animals, in my mind...animal sex cards. Apparently there is a niche for this...who would have guessed. His second venture is a video game....and I could give a fuck less about either. My manager across from me is spending his hours writing Christmas cards, licking envelopes, and writing names. I'm sure the company appreciates his nice gesture...I didn't have the heart to throw the card in the trash in front of him, but I will when I get home, seal unbroken. Guess I'm a hypocrite by typing at this very moment and not working either....how ironic. Moving on...work is it's own entire topic.
My cougar has successfully placed me into the friend bucket. Awesome. With that comes awkward texting, that because minimal surface conversation, and eventually will fade into us not talking anymore. Awesome...cause that's not what I fucking wanted.
Rained all day today. Never helps my mood. Usually when I'm stressed / upset I clean my car...detail it to showroom quality. At times I get so caught up in it that I will take q-tips to clean the vents. I know...how sad...but it's how I turn that side of my brain off and over focus on something else for a while. Instead, I worked on cleaning my office. Santa is suppose to bring me a new desk, and some book shelves to replace my old HS era desk that I don't use aside from paying bills, keeping track of my finances, and porn.
I got 6 hours before I'm expected to be anywhere and train my next client. Surely I can watch one or two clips and continue with my cleaning. Log into my portal, check my friend requests (just 1 spam person today), clear a few messages, write a few messages, and begin my quest to find that "video"...the one that takes me to the edge. I find a few decent ones and let them play int he background as I clean...just listening to the sounds of sex seems relaxing. Sound of a flog gets my attention for a while...I stimulate myself, but deny myself the release and continue working. I eventually manage to get myself some dinner. At this point I'm so wound up from starting/stopping that there is actually some pain, and decide to allow myself a release. I still had about 2 hours at this point, and figured I would try to find someone to watch. Throw out a few messages on my portal, as well as log into an anonymous cam site. I don't show my face, just the goods...split screen between the "random" person and my porn of choice. 75 minutes of edging before a female is on the other end of the cam and whats to watch the eruption. I thank her for her time, shower...and I'm out the door to train in time.
It seems pathetic to me at times that I can get "lost" in the ritual almost. I managed to get things accomplished...office is spotless, 2 trash bags worth of shit thrown out, rearranged some books, vacuumed, etc...but didn't get everything done that I could have. Downstairs still needs work today as the family will come over for dinner tonight. The Nazi inspector (my mother), will undoubtedly comment how this is out of place, how I need to do a better job of this and that...and I can already feel my body tense picturing her face saying these things.
Monday, December 23, 2013
What does HONESTY buy you....
I tell you...not a God damn thing. The only thing it may buy you is a good conscious...and even then, you're still fucked because you're wondering well had I not done XYZ I wouldn't be in this position. Had I said A instead of B the out come would have been different...but that nagging voice in your head says no...you should say A..it's the "right" thing to do. Fuck the right thing sometimes...
Nobody at work does the "right" thing...
Nobody at home does the "right" thing...
Nice guys will always finish last...and so I can approach this in 1 of 2 ways. I can 1) accept that nice guys finish last and deal with my life in that manner. or 2)...I can start not being honest and get what I want, and deal with my conscious on my own time behind the scenes.
This rant is about my Cougar...yes, short lived, and just earlier posted about (although the events happened in the past). She marks the 3rd woman that me being "honest" has ruined my possibilities of fucking her and being with her. Woman one is purely physical...visually extremely stimulating...sexuality just oozes out of her like an intoxicating perfume and I would love nothing more than to fuck her whenever time would allow it. Woman two I have a deeper connection with...visually appetizing, but mentally also very stimulating. Very unique and different from my train of thought...and this has me hooked as well. My honesty...has halted this to a grinding stop. And last but least, the latest...my cougar...who I quickly had a scary connection with on every level...and the result the same. LESSON LEARNED: Keep my fucking mouth shut and do what needs to be done. Who gets punished for being honest...only me, and I'm tired of being the donkey in the corner of the room...had enough of that growing up in HS and college. Women are NOT conquests...but when the feeling is mutual between two people and the only reason something doesn't transpire is because of a technicality...that I BRING UP...then it's nobodies fault but my own that I'm left with my dick in my hand alone.
Is anyone at work honest? Hell is anyone alive...truly honest to their core...or does everyone masquerade around with these fake persona's making their moves like a chess game to move up in the world. We inherently want to trust fellow human beings...but can we, truly? Isn't their always some angle...some game, some leverage, some goal that is trying to be obtained.
I've known woman #2 for 3.5 years now...and she is the closest person (female) that truly knows me for me. How will my therapist get to that level of trust and know me after only 3 weeks...it's going to be a long journey. It isn't easy opining up to her...but that's part of the reason why I chose her.
I'm mad at her (cougar)....
I'm mad at them...
I'm mad at myself...
Guess I should get back to this bullshit job that nobody cares about.
Nobody at work does the "right" thing...
Nobody at home does the "right" thing...
Nice guys will always finish last...and so I can approach this in 1 of 2 ways. I can 1) accept that nice guys finish last and deal with my life in that manner. or 2)...I can start not being honest and get what I want, and deal with my conscious on my own time behind the scenes.
This rant is about my Cougar...yes, short lived, and just earlier posted about (although the events happened in the past). She marks the 3rd woman that me being "honest" has ruined my possibilities of fucking her and being with her. Woman one is purely physical...visually extremely stimulating...sexuality just oozes out of her like an intoxicating perfume and I would love nothing more than to fuck her whenever time would allow it. Woman two I have a deeper connection with...visually appetizing, but mentally also very stimulating. Very unique and different from my train of thought...and this has me hooked as well. My honesty...has halted this to a grinding stop. And last but least, the latest...my cougar...who I quickly had a scary connection with on every level...and the result the same. LESSON LEARNED: Keep my fucking mouth shut and do what needs to be done. Who gets punished for being honest...only me, and I'm tired of being the donkey in the corner of the room...had enough of that growing up in HS and college. Women are NOT conquests...but when the feeling is mutual between two people and the only reason something doesn't transpire is because of a technicality...that I BRING UP...then it's nobodies fault but my own that I'm left with my dick in my hand alone.
Is anyone at work honest? Hell is anyone alive...truly honest to their core...or does everyone masquerade around with these fake persona's making their moves like a chess game to move up in the world. We inherently want to trust fellow human beings...but can we, truly? Isn't their always some angle...some game, some leverage, some goal that is trying to be obtained.
I've known woman #2 for 3.5 years now...and she is the closest person (female) that truly knows me for me. How will my therapist get to that level of trust and know me after only 3 weeks...it's going to be a long journey. It isn't easy opining up to her...but that's part of the reason why I chose her.
I'm mad at her (cougar)....
I'm mad at them...
I'm mad at myself...
Guess I should get back to this bullshit job that nobody cares about.
Back to Writing...
Friday - 12.20.13
Just another day. Work wasn't extremely productive. Learned that most everyone will be out of the office due to Holidays. I don't have that much leave built, so I will be working the skeleton crew...fine by me. Had my visit with my Therapist today...therapy...the word still seems foreign to me. She's nice, still feeling her out, but I feel she is genuine. Left the session a little tense. Topics of sex were brought up and how perhaps I should be alone for a while. To work on myself...I don't know how I feel about that at this time.
My gf came by tonight. It's been about a week since I last talked to her in person after our latest "discussion" on the lack of her attending my needs. I took her out to dinner, spoiled her...yet again...and laid upstairs waiting until I had to leave to train a client of mine. She begins to "play", 10 minutes before I leave...typical...knowing I have to get up and go and I'm a stickler for time and punctuality. I decided to get even. I gave her what she wanted...about 20 seconds worth, pulled out, cleaned up and left....as I was leaving the room she looked shocked...and without hesitation...I stated "what, you don't feel satisfied? Welcome to my world..." She assured me it would continued when I got back...I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
10pm...wash my hands, go up stairs...to a gf that is passed out in my bed, fast asleep. I try waking her up in a manner that I have begged to be woken up in...to hear her mumbled voice ask me if I would be upset if we just went to bed for the evening. "Not at all" I replied...but what am I going to do? I can't enjoy fucking if the person I'm fucking doesn't want to fuck...
Saturday - 12.21.13
Devastation. That's what I felt. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Empty. Lonely. It was a paragraphed text from my cougar stating she didn't want to meet. It was what I went to bed thinking about the night before, it's what I couldn't wait for today...and just like that, a buzz of my cell phone and my day was shattered. My mood altered so drastically that my gf layin beside me picked up on it. Clever/Quick thinking resolved this potential fatal situation as my day progressed. I salvaged for a meet / talk...she accepted...just had to wait till later in the afternoon.
American Hustle was the movie and went and saw today. Themes within the movie reminded me of myself. Am I con man? Who am I playing...and ultimately...am I playing myself? What was I going to say to my cougar to real her back in...I had it all worked out...except that when I saw her...I forgot everything I wanted to say. I can't do hot/cold....I can, but not with her...I'm emotionally connected...and it scares me. I salvaged it. For 4 hours we couldn't keep our hands off one another....from back seats of vehicles....to the beach...to her job when she had to go to work. At the moment in time...I was happy...she was happy...nothing mattered....
Sunday - 12.22.13
I visited my mother today for lunch. Conversation was short, surface, routine. She was in a mood...not shocking to me, but something seemed off. Dad was golfing, sunday ritual. I let her lead the conversation...learned it's easier that way. Long story short...they have new neighbors behind them. A single mom of one daughter, building a fence...fairly attractive, tom boyish it appears as she seemed comfortable walking through the yard with a tool belt around her hips. Brunette, fair skin, avg build. And then my mother showed her hand...."she reminds me of BEEP"...the woman my father is assumed to have slept with for 6 months, 5-6 years ago. It was time to leave...I got my shit, and walked out.
I showed my hand to my cougar...something I never do. It's important to keep the upper hand, unless you're ok with whatever the outcome is. I'm not...I want the outcome to be what I want in my mind. I'm not sure how this will end...and it upsets me. What's words are spoken, and honesty shared....and you tip your hand...there is no going back. This feeling of uncertainty sucks...
I flipped my shit on someone who stopped on an exit ramp that had a long merge lane. VA plate...doesn't mean they were local...but driving isn't that damn complicated. What was literally probably a 15 second wait, felt like minutes to me...just to find out they were going straight and weren't merging...point being there was no need to wait. I lost it for a minute...shouted obscenities...gripped my steering wheel firmly until the cloud of emotions passed. 3 deep breathes and it passed...where was I going....to petsmart to get fucking cat food. Nothing stressing.....
Just another day. Work wasn't extremely productive. Learned that most everyone will be out of the office due to Holidays. I don't have that much leave built, so I will be working the skeleton crew...fine by me. Had my visit with my Therapist today...therapy...the word still seems foreign to me. She's nice, still feeling her out, but I feel she is genuine. Left the session a little tense. Topics of sex were brought up and how perhaps I should be alone for a while. To work on myself...I don't know how I feel about that at this time.
My gf came by tonight. It's been about a week since I last talked to her in person after our latest "discussion" on the lack of her attending my needs. I took her out to dinner, spoiled her...yet again...and laid upstairs waiting until I had to leave to train a client of mine. She begins to "play", 10 minutes before I leave...typical...knowing I have to get up and go and I'm a stickler for time and punctuality. I decided to get even. I gave her what she wanted...about 20 seconds worth, pulled out, cleaned up and left....as I was leaving the room she looked shocked...and without hesitation...I stated "what, you don't feel satisfied? Welcome to my world..." She assured me it would continued when I got back...I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.
10pm...wash my hands, go up stairs...to a gf that is passed out in my bed, fast asleep. I try waking her up in a manner that I have begged to be woken up in...to hear her mumbled voice ask me if I would be upset if we just went to bed for the evening. "Not at all" I replied...but what am I going to do? I can't enjoy fucking if the person I'm fucking doesn't want to fuck...
Saturday - 12.21.13
Devastation. That's what I felt. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Empty. Lonely. It was a paragraphed text from my cougar stating she didn't want to meet. It was what I went to bed thinking about the night before, it's what I couldn't wait for today...and just like that, a buzz of my cell phone and my day was shattered. My mood altered so drastically that my gf layin beside me picked up on it. Clever/Quick thinking resolved this potential fatal situation as my day progressed. I salvaged for a meet / talk...she accepted...just had to wait till later in the afternoon.
American Hustle was the movie and went and saw today. Themes within the movie reminded me of myself. Am I con man? Who am I playing...and ultimately...am I playing myself? What was I going to say to my cougar to real her back in...I had it all worked out...except that when I saw her...I forgot everything I wanted to say. I can't do hot/cold....I can, but not with her...I'm emotionally connected...and it scares me. I salvaged it. For 4 hours we couldn't keep our hands off one another....from back seats of vehicles....to the beach...to her job when she had to go to work. At the moment in time...I was happy...she was happy...nothing mattered....
Sunday - 12.22.13
I visited my mother today for lunch. Conversation was short, surface, routine. She was in a mood...not shocking to me, but something seemed off. Dad was golfing, sunday ritual. I let her lead the conversation...learned it's easier that way. Long story short...they have new neighbors behind them. A single mom of one daughter, building a fence...fairly attractive, tom boyish it appears as she seemed comfortable walking through the yard with a tool belt around her hips. Brunette, fair skin, avg build. And then my mother showed her hand...."she reminds me of BEEP"...the woman my father is assumed to have slept with for 6 months, 5-6 years ago. It was time to leave...I got my shit, and walked out.
I showed my hand to my cougar...something I never do. It's important to keep the upper hand, unless you're ok with whatever the outcome is. I'm not...I want the outcome to be what I want in my mind. I'm not sure how this will end...and it upsets me. What's words are spoken, and honesty shared....and you tip your hand...there is no going back. This feeling of uncertainty sucks...
I flipped my shit on someone who stopped on an exit ramp that had a long merge lane. VA plate...doesn't mean they were local...but driving isn't that damn complicated. What was literally probably a 15 second wait, felt like minutes to me...just to find out they were going straight and weren't merging...point being there was no need to wait. I lost it for a minute...shouted obscenities...gripped my steering wheel firmly until the cloud of emotions passed. 3 deep breathes and it passed...where was I going....to petsmart to get fucking cat food. Nothing stressing.....
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