Christmas

Sexual Appetite: 10
Emotions: Frustrated, Rushed, Anxiety, Just ready for to get through the day

This will be a lengthy post as it was a long day. I will try to keep the memory cohesive...but there are no guarantees.

We're supposed to go to her parents house for breakfast this morning and do the gift exchanges. I've managed to get out of the extended family get together that afternoon and am spending the afternoon with my family. Eta at her parents house is 9am. We get up around 730, she jumps in the shower...I start mass texting "friends" with the blanket, unpersonalized, Merry Christmas text. Why? I don't know...seems like the "right" thing to do. I text the same to my cougar, with an addition of "I fucking miss you." From 815 to 9am I text her driving to Richmond. She explains how she is sorry, still isn't "sure", missed me as well and wants to try to make things work. Two things....1) Great...I'm still going to possibly wear that ass out, 2) I no longer trust her...I can feel I've put up a wall, and it won't be the same anymore. I don't do hot/cold, hot/cold...fuck that.

My girl's parents house (same place she stays when she isn't at my house), is...just not a place I feel comfortable in. Dirty, old, nasty, nothing matches, smells worse than an SPCA, and without sounding arrogant, I just don't know how people can stand to fucking live like that. Mom's wearing busted up work out pants, and a tshirt that's to small so her back fat and gut hang out the back and front. Dad's typical Harley Davidson dude...pony tail and full Santa beard, and might say 5 words the duration of my visit. Brother is a know it all, has a one up story to everything...but we have some common interests where we can at least hold a conversation. His girlfriend from Germany looks like a fish out of water, and if her mother is anything like mine, she is as extremely uncomfortable as I am to be in this house. Breakfast is awkward. Random conversation, food sucked (it's free so I can't complain). No two chairs match, nor do 2 glasses...I think they had 6 plates that all matched, an annoying dog running underneath the table begging for scraps, and 3 cats doing as they please. Exchange of gifts goes smoothly I guess. I excuse myself and get ready to head home.

I'm not sure why I can't drive anywhere without running into some fuck stick on the road. It's Christmas...I'm minding my business driving miss daisy in the right lane and still someone can find a way to ignite my short fuse. Road rage...another topic that will need to be addressed in the future I assume. Fucking idiots I swear.

I grab the left over pies from my house and head to my parents. I walk in and can feel the tension in the air. Apparently my brother and mom (surprise surprise) went at it, and are still going at it. Source of the argument turns out that there was a box in the garage that my mother was planning on using to send something to Germany. It had been sitting there for a month and my brother used it to wrap a Christmas gift. End of the world, I know...but it my family...it doesn't take much. Someone the topic of my girl was brought up, and my frustrations boiled over and I shared my thoughts on some of the situations. Mom gave her .02, but quickly clammed up and played the..."Nothing I say is right, I can't say anything...I'm a horrible mother" to which I shredded her on. So sick of hearing that shit. I was lectured on how I view relationships as a business relationship, and I have no feelings an emotions, and i will be alone if I keep doing this. I explained my side of the coin, to which nobody understood. I'm used to that. My brother laughs and says I told a bitch to fuck off because I didn't like her hair cut.... I just chuckled. His current goal is to fuck the daughter of my cougar who's pregnant with another mans baby...bucket list item for him he says. The deeper source of my mother's frustration is the new neighbor next door (older post below), and her father my grandpa didn't send a care package or call for Christmas. 

Only my father knows I'm going to Therapy...nobody else in my family knows.

Typically for Thanksgiving and Christmas we go to the movies as a family. Mom being crabby abby, decided she wasn't going to go, which spawned into another argument. She asked what my girl and her family were doing...I explained they were doing their traditional stuff of making something via arts and crafts and taking a family photo. She said..."that sounds so nice, our tradition is to fight every Holiday about something different...You know why...because we're dysfunctional, and glares at me." The dysfunctional comment was a stab at me intentionally. A few years back I had a melt down where I stood upfront of the family and called everyone out on the carpet...including my father...which was difficult. After 20 minutes of shouting, she retreated upstairs in her bedroom crying, the rest of us left to go see a movie. Merry Christmas.

Leaving the movie my gf texts me asking what's the earlist time I can make it to Richmond to go to Texas De'Brazil for dinner on Friday with her family and brother/girlfriend. Here's the back story on that. My girl and I both bought $100 gift cards as gifts. We would go out to dinner and I would pick up the remaining tab. Great food, just stupid expensive. So...back to this Friday. Frustratedly I tried to explain all of this as calmly as I could. I have to work. I need to train myself and I have a client to train. I have therapy that day. and it's my 1 of 2 fridays a month where I get together with the boys to play video games. WTF do you have to schedule something on a day that you know I game with my friends. It's two days a month...and it seems to be a growing trend that things "happen" to fall on that day. I get requests to "move" them to another night. Fuck that. I explained my case...just to get a sarcastic response back and now we're going Sunday for lunch. WTF ever.

I'm in bed by 815, trying to shut off my brain and get some sleep. She rolls in around 9 or so and crawls into bed and goes to sleep. Thinking back on it now I should have beat off before she got home so I wouldn't be so agitated this morning. Oh well.

Gaining weight again...Monday starts the transition. Looking forward to seeing my body change again...and perhaps, surpass my last transition goal I did last summer. Goal weight of 180lbs, and 7-8% body fat or lower.