Recap - 12.23.13

Sexual Appetite: 9
Emotions: Annoyed, frustrated, angry, hurt, reflective (if that's even an emotion)

I've been at work since 6am and have stared at a white blank document for about an hour now. I wouldn't call it writer's block, but perhaps failure to launch. This is the first time, in a long time, that I'm blogging again. I typically try to write from one stream of consciousness...unless it's a glaring typo I don't go back and fix it, don't spend time proof reading, and instead focus on just typing and seeing where my thoughts lead me.

Work was the usual BS excuse for a group of individuals to come to a location and collect a paycheck. Guy behind me is finally quitting (Thank God), he has spent the last 2 years working on his side business behind me and not doing his job. He's been working on a erotic card game dealing with half humans / half animals, in my mind...animal sex cards. Apparently there is a niche for this...who would have guessed. His second venture is a video game....and I could give a fuck less about either. My manager across from me is spending his hours writing Christmas cards, licking envelopes, and writing names. I'm sure the company appreciates his nice gesture...I didn't have the heart to throw the card in the trash in front of him, but I will when I get home, seal unbroken. Guess I'm a hypocrite by typing at this very moment and not working either....how ironic. Moving on...work is it's own entire topic.

My cougar has successfully placed me into the friend bucket. Awesome. With that comes awkward texting, that because minimal surface conversation, and eventually will fade into us not talking anymore. Awesome...cause that's not what I fucking wanted.

Rained all day today. Never helps my mood. Usually when I'm stressed / upset I clean my car...detail it to showroom quality. At times I get so caught up in it that I will take q-tips to clean the vents. I know...how sad...but it's how I turn that side of my brain off and over focus on something else for a while. Instead, I worked on cleaning my office. Santa is suppose to bring me a new desk, and some book shelves to replace my old HS era desk that I don't use aside from paying bills, keeping track of my finances, and porn.

I got 6 hours before I'm expected to be anywhere and train my next client. Surely I can watch one or two clips and continue with my cleaning. Log into my portal, check my friend requests (just 1 spam person today), clear a few messages, write a few messages, and begin my quest to find that "video"...the one that takes me to the edge. I find a few decent ones and let them play int he background as I clean...just listening to the sounds of sex seems relaxing. Sound of a flog gets my attention for a while...I stimulate myself, but deny myself the release and continue working. I eventually manage to get myself some dinner. At this point I'm so wound up from starting/stopping that there is actually some pain, and decide to allow myself a release. I still had about 2 hours at this point, and figured I would try to find someone to watch. Throw out a few messages on my portal, as well as log into an anonymous cam site. I don't show my face, just the goods...split screen between the "random" person and my porn of choice. 75 minutes of edging before a female is on the other end of the cam and whats to watch the eruption. I thank her for her time, shower...and I'm out the door to train in time.

It seems pathetic to me at times that I can get "lost" in the ritual almost. I managed to get things accomplished...office is spotless, 2 trash bags worth of shit thrown out, rearranged some books, vacuumed, etc...but didn't get everything done that I could have. Downstairs still needs work today as the family will come over for dinner tonight. The Nazi inspector (my mother), will undoubtedly comment how this is out of place, how I need to do a better job of this and that...and I can already feel my body tense picturing her face saying these things.