Black Book

This list isn't all exclusive, but I think will encompass enough about my past to explain perhaps why I see things the way I do. I will try to keep them in order, but that's not a guarantee either...time to take a trip down memory lane...

Relationships
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J. - I was 15, just moved to the states, thought we had something...until she told me she was so happy that I was Hispanic because she hated black people. For those that don't know me...I'm mixed...Black/White..so you already know the outcome.

J.K. - Popular girl in HS. Loved to get nasty and talk trash over the internet, but never acknowledged my presence in person in school. I was her dirty online secret.

K.B. - Eating disorder girl...was head over heels for her. Felt like a good match, brainy, very smart, quirky, tall and slender. She decided to start dating someone online long distance instead of dating me.

M.M - First true relationship. 5 years on off. Passionate, sexual, zero in common other than bedroom activities, and toward the end was nothing but one fight after another. Zero trust, cheated on me 3 times that I know of, once with my best friend. Currently married and across the world with some guy.

A.S - 18 month relationship. No sex at all. Mentally really fucked with me, and was a definite addition to my insecurities sexually. Naturally beautiful. Great lips, great eyes, short, well rounded attributes. Married, two kids now, we're now friends, have lunch from time to time.

J. L. - Just shy of two years, tall, brunette, green eyes, attractive, insecurities, put my life on hold for and thought with my heart, not my brain. Didn't work out, 6-8 months later after break up she got married. No contact. Still have 200+ erotic photos of her.

H - E's sister, stuck up, pretty, bbw kinda girl, high maintenance. Rude, demanding...purposely denied sex with her although we did other things. Refused to sleep with her b/c I wanted to sleep with E. (Still do). She's now married, sugar daddy...how fitting.

V.T. - Tight body, young, sexy, very sexual, boring in bed. Hard to have conversation with, and sex was boring. Ended after little over a year...she broke up with me, never saw it coming. Caused issues within the family, used to "like" my bro. Minimal contact.

A.R. - Current relationship.

Friends w/ Benefits
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K.B. - Sexual experimenting, was a neighbor at the time. Couldn't stand talking to her, great body, dumb as a box of rocks. No clue what she's doing.

S - M.M's one of her best friends. Very sexual, amazing oral, talented riding skills. Best I've experienced reverse cow girl. Married, two kids. Only happened a few times...she wanted to hurt M'Ms feelings and I could care less about her so I went along with it.

Lil B - Fling, never had sex...just felt like i was supposed to be there for her during that time. She has let herself go, married to a douche, no kids. Also a friend of M.M's

J. - Fling. Tiny, 4'11", was "ok" looking, now has really let herself go. Amazed how well she could take it...one of the only girls that never tossed up the white flag of mercy. Great lower body...legs, ass, thighs. Married to some douche...after we stopped being friends with benefits.

J. - Former coworker at a previous job. No attractive at all, means to an end. married, two kids.

S.J. - Submissive, long distance, some play in person from time to time. Unstable, unreliable, keep distance intentionally.

I feel there are a few others in this category...but they don't stick out for one reason or another. There are a handful of people online that I exchange videos with, and such, but it's fairly impersonal. I don't use my real name, and it's a means to an end.

Platonic w/ some sexual (sometimes)
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J.V - Known her for 6+ years, never met in person yet. Online friend through a mutual interest. Married, two kids, douche husband. Chat/text regularly, feel like i've known her all my life. Exchange pics, video play, emails, etc.

J.S - known for 3 years, strong connection, strong personality, we get along well. Married, two kids, douche husband.

E - Known for 4 years. Has been mentioned in a few posts, sister to H, strong sexual chemistry, had some fun but nothing major. Short, strong, tats, piercings, wild...and free. Not married, two kids

S.M. - Known for 2.5 years, works at my gym, working to be a model. Strong sexual tension chemistry, some play, nothing major. Pics, vids, text, tats, piercings. Dating, one kid.

A.T. - Known for 4-5 years. Best oral I've ever experienced. Doesn't throw up the white flag either. Husband likes to have video footage of her endeavors.  Married, two kids.

B.V - Cougar, strong sexual chemistry, some play, nothing to serious. text. Married, two kids, douche husband.


Reflection
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As mentioned, this isn't an exhaustive list, but a fairly good shot at writing out the black book. It's nerve wrecking to have this on paper, but perhaps will help in the long run. Common trends are all of these woman typically have issues. Eating disorders, cutters, pill poppers, low self-esteem, jacked up home life / family life. My platonic friendships tend to be with woman who are married, and ironically have two kids. Odd, then maybe not. What's if my twisted subconscious it's me trying to obtain what I want down the road...married w/ two kids...NOT douche husband. I don't go seeking this, it just manifests and falls into place.

Most of the girls I have dated have in turn gotten married after getting out of the relationship with me. Reminds me of Good Luck Chuck.

Seems there is more that has gone on in my life than I thought.