Back to Writing...

Friday - 12.20.13

Just another day. Work wasn't extremely productive. Learned that most everyone will be out of the office due to Holidays. I don't have that much leave built, so I will be working the skeleton crew...fine by me. Had my visit with my Therapist today...therapy...the word still seems foreign to me. She's nice, still feeling her out, but I feel she is genuine. Left the session a little tense. Topics of sex were brought up and how perhaps I should be alone for a while. To work on myself...I don't know how I feel about that at this time.

My gf came by tonight. It's been about a week since I last talked to her in person after our latest "discussion" on the lack of her attending my needs. I took her out to dinner, spoiled her...yet again...and laid upstairs waiting until I had to leave to train a client of mine. She begins to "play", 10 minutes before I leave...typical...knowing I have to get up and go and I'm a stickler for time and punctuality. I decided to get even. I gave her what she wanted...about 20 seconds worth, pulled out, cleaned up and left....as I was leaving the room she looked shocked...and without hesitation...I stated "what, you don't feel satisfied? Welcome to my world..." She assured me it would continued when I got back...I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up.

10pm...wash my hands, go up stairs...to a gf that is passed out in my bed, fast asleep. I try waking her up in a manner that I have begged to be woken up in...to hear her mumbled voice ask me if I would be upset if we just went to bed for the evening. "Not at all" I replied...but what am I going to do? I can't enjoy fucking if the person I'm fucking doesn't want to fuck...

Saturday - 12.21.13

Devastation. That's what I felt. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. Empty. Lonely. It was a paragraphed text from my cougar stating she didn't want to meet. It was what I went to bed thinking about the night before, it's what I couldn't wait for today...and just like that, a buzz of my cell phone and my day was shattered. My mood altered so drastically that my gf layin beside me picked up on it. Clever/Quick thinking resolved this potential fatal situation as my day progressed. I salvaged for a meet / talk...she accepted...just had to wait till later in the afternoon.

American Hustle was the movie and went and saw today. Themes within the movie reminded me of myself. Am I con man? Who am I playing...and ultimately...am I playing myself? What was I going to say to my cougar to real her back in...I had it all worked out...except that when I saw her...I forgot everything I wanted to say. I can't do hot/cold....I can, but not with her...I'm emotionally connected...and it scares me. I salvaged it. For 4 hours we couldn't keep our hands off one another....from back seats of vehicles....to the beach...to her job when she had to go to work. At the moment in time...I was happy...she was happy...nothing mattered....

Sunday - 12.22.13

I visited my mother today for lunch. Conversation was short, surface, routine. She was in a mood...not shocking to me, but something seemed off. Dad was golfing, sunday ritual. I let her lead the conversation...learned it's easier that way. Long story short...they have new neighbors behind them. A single mom of one daughter, building a fence...fairly attractive, tom boyish it appears as she seemed comfortable walking through the yard with a tool belt around her hips. Brunette, fair skin, avg build. And then my mother showed her hand...."she reminds me of  BEEP"...the woman my father is assumed to have slept with for 6 months, 5-6 years ago. It was time to leave...I got my shit, and walked out.

I showed my hand to my cougar...something I never do. It's important to keep the upper hand, unless you're ok with whatever the outcome is. I'm not...I want the outcome to be what I want in my mind. I'm not sure how this will end...and it upsets me. What's words are spoken, and honesty shared....and you tip your hand...there is no going back. This feeling of uncertainty sucks...

I flipped my shit on someone who stopped on an exit ramp that had a long merge lane. VA plate...doesn't mean they were local...but driving isn't that damn complicated. What was literally probably a 15 second wait, felt like minutes to me...just to find out they were going straight and weren't merging...point being there was no need to wait. I lost it for a minute...shouted obscenities...gripped my steering wheel firmly until the cloud of emotions passed. 3 deep breathes and it passed...where was I going....to petsmart to get fucking cat food. Nothing stressing.....