I was meaning to write this entry a few days ago but just couldn't seem to find the time I guess. Now that I am at work for 12 hours with only 1 other person working in the building with me, most of the network quiet with little traffic to monitor, and nothing but time on my hands; I figured I would take this time to make the entry.
I wouldn't say that it has always been like this. Each year seems to be progressively getting worse. The older I get, the obvious lack of emotional feeling within my family seems to get stronger and stronger. Holidays are just "another" day in the calendar and not something that is celebrated or looked forward to. Don't misunderstand me...we all love one another I believe...we just never do anything to show it and I can count the times I have heard that word used probably on one hand in 24 years. We just are not a touchy/feely kind of family I guess.
This year seemed really dull and bland. We all new we were not getting anything for Christmas this year. We hardly had any decorations up inside the house and I think for the first time ever...we didn't even have a tree. It may sound silly...but not having a tree this year really felt like something was "wrong" with our family. I go to my friends houses...drive through the surrounding neighborhoods...and you can see through the windows usually some form of tree...lights, decorations, the whole shibang...the way things "should" be.
The morning started off in rare form yesterday...as always. Nobody home...everyone out doing their own thing just to hear my mom walk in being upset again. It's tough...always having to be around for fights, bitching, arguing...sometimes being a apart of it and other times just being a bystander. I believe it's because we all have somewhat of a short fuse. Mix that fact with everyone being a smart ass and sarcastic [seems to be a family trait] and tempers can fly out of control in a rather short amount of time. We had a nice dinner and surprisingly hung out afterward and all sat down and played a few games of spades. This again...is yet another rare happening in the house. We don't hang out together as a family and do anything...and I mean anything. I can't remember the last time we all hung out and did anything entertaining. It's always pockets within the family...but never all 4 of us at once.
I don't know...
Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I make it out to be. Maybe "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" expression is what I'm currently going through. As much as I dislike certain parts of our family I don't think I would ever trade them in either if that makes sense. I just wish at times things could be a little different.
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